It's hard to say "NO"

hard to say no

Saying "no" and feeling worthy are both crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and self-respect.

Saying "no" is an essential part of setting boundaries and protecting your own well-being. It can be difficult to say "no" sometimes, especially if you're used to putting others' needs before your own, but it's important to remember that you have the right to prioritize your own needs and wants. Saying "no" when necessary can help you avoid overcommitting yourself, prevent burnout, and protect your own mental and physical health.

A boss, a colleague, a spouse, a child, a parent, a salesperson, a stranger on the street...

Sometimes it's hard to resist their arguments, requests, magic, and pressure. You have to agree to do something you didn't plan to do, to buy something you didn't want to waste your time and energy on that will not bring any benefit or pleasure. The situations may be different, but the only thing that remains the same is the unpleasant aftertaste of powerlessness, fatigue, irritation, and anger.

Why is it sometimes hard to say no?

Think back to your childhood. Obedience, complaisance, and readiness to put aside your interests at any time were encouraged, and refusal was considered ungrateful, selfish, and offensive.

In what circumstances could you say no to an adult without consequences? Clear instructions and permission to refuse applied to cases where you suddenly met an intruder who lured you into his car, "bad company" offering to try drugs, penetrating cultists hunting for your bright soul and grandmother's apartment, or your mother treating you to a delicious allergen.

However, in cases where you are asked for help, trusted, hoping for a response, or skillfully manipulated, you have to be patient and agree. Most often, such experiences occur in adult life and automatically deprive us of the right to choose. The fact is that you always have the right to refuse or agree. Interestingly, the willingness to say "yes", to take on any job and to use open opportunities allows you to achieve a high level of professionalism, respect and trust, but at some point it becomes a noose that "cuts off oxygen". One of the well-trodden paths to chronic emotional burnout is through "always saying yes."

Your willingness to work hard and sacrifice your own interests is based on the most ancient social instincts. Avoiding situations where you have to say no is a dead end, it's better to learn how to say no in a polite and correct way. The ability to say no is a skill that can be trained. You don't have to answer straight away, use a pause instead and think about it. Saying no - does not mean that you are rude, bad-mannered, or that you have not a best temper.

Refusal does not mean that you are seeking for a conflict.

Refusal does not mean you are ruining the relationship.

You simply have your own priorities and needs, just as other people have theirs. By saying no, you are respecting and valuing their time and space.

Saying no

The ability to say "no" is literally a bodily, motor-based skill. The characteristic gesture is an outstretched hand. The body must know what it feels like to say no. The mouth, lips, and tongue must be able to form the two cherished letters. The voice should not break into falsetto or wheezing. It is important not to look away and not to hold your breath.

So, let's practice...

Think of one of the last cases of a complicated rejection. Imagine this person in front of you. And say "no," accompanied by a characteristic gesture. Concentrate your attention first on the feeling of tension in the muscles of your arm, then on your voice: volume, timbre, intonation, pitch, speed, then on your eyes: direct, open, and then on your breathing: calm and even. Try it several times, observing how your sensations change. If you have difficulties, try the following.

➡ Choose your own refusal wording.

Sometimes there may be an internal prohibition against using the word "no". Perhaps your first early experience of rejection was very traumatic. You will know this from your previous practice. If the word "no," accompanied by the characteristic gesture of an outstretched hand, causes a lot of difficulty and emotion, then more detailed wording may help. Here are a few:

➡ Compassionate "no".

Yes, I see that it is very difficult for you, but I cannot help you in this situation.

I understand that you are very tired, but I will not be able to fulfill your request.

You have a really serious problem, it's obvious. But it is not in my power to solve it.

➡ A reasoned "no".

In this technique you give a very brief and genuine reason for why you are saying “No”.

For example “I can't have lunch with you because I have a report that needs to be finished by tomorrow”.

I can't do it because... (give the real reason).

I can't do it for two reasons...

➡ Delayed "no".

I can't tell you right now, I don't exactly remember all my plans for...

Before I answer, I need (I want) to consult with...

Can I say something later?

I need to think about it.

I need time to weigh my options.

This is new information for me, I can't say right away.

When is the deadline for me to respond?

➡ A compromise "no".

I am willing to help you... (move furniture), but not... (pack).

I can... (give you a ride to work), but only if... (you will be at the agreed place by 9 o'clock).

I don't have the opportunity to... (visit you every day), but I can do it... (every Wednesday and Friday).

➡ Diplomatic no.

Is there any other way I can help you?

I don't have a ready-made solution right now.

I suggest we figure it out together.

I am not quite competent in this matter, but I can advise you to contact...

Feeling worthy is also essential for your overall well-being. When you feel worthy, you believe that you deserve love, respect, and care. This belief can help you set healthy boundaries, assert your needs, and avoid settling for less than you deserve. It can also help you cultivate self-compassion and build self-esteem, which are essential for a fulfilling and satisfying life.

Remember that saying "no" and feeling worthy are both skills that can be practiced and developed over time. Don't be afraid to seek support from a therapist, coach, or trusted friend or family member as you work towards cultivating these skills in your own life.

To make a conclusion: by saying that deliberate, calm, confident, friendly "no" is most often the most appropriate answer and does not require additional reasons for refusal.